A Healthy Guide to Eating Out

We tell you to eat healthy at home, and now we're about to tell you to do the same when you're out spending the fruits of your labour - like watching the finger-nail-filing escapades of your favourite basketball team.

With the Raptors losing last night, this probably all sounds like misery. But the following cheat sheet is full of simple little adjustments that you can make and still have fun.

If this still sounds tragic to you, don't worry, it's written by a cantankerous old sod.

A Miserable Bugger's Healthy Guide to Eating Out

1) Vodka soda is the Chainsmokers of the healthy alcoholic drink. Boring. Predictable. Flavourless.

Make your liquor a tequila or whiskey. For a minimal amount of extra calories you’ll get 1,000 times the taste, while remaining healthier than beer, cider, or white wine.

2) Take a look at the menu online and select your food choice before you go. That way you will not be influenced by other people’s choices in the moment. You may, indeed, prompt everyone else to contemplate their adolescent behaviour when they realize a proper adult is now present.

3) Just like your Ashley Madison dates, ask for all sauces to quietly remain on the side.

4) Dance near the flames of hell and eternal chastity, by suggesting to your partner that you pick a starter and a main to share. At restaurants we tend to overeat, and at Toronto prices, that $25 main ain’t going to waste. Devouring shared dishes will leave you satisfied and you’ll consume fewer calories.

5) Make all your side choices be salad or fruit. Unless you go to Weslodge, where you must violently swim in their mac ‘n’ cheese.

6) Impress absolutely no-one, by drinking one glass of water for every alcoholic drink.

7) Words matter. Look for “steamed,” “grilled,” and “boiled.” Avoid “loaded,” “creamy,” “rich,” “uncomfortable,” “crabs.”

K & V

You Don't Know What You Don't Know

Did you know that the cigarette brand Lucky Strike tried to sell their product based on weight loss?

"Who cares about my throat cancer honey, look, I can fit through the gap in this fence."

The thing is, they sold a shit-tonne... until they didn't.

Because you don't know what you don't know.

If someone seems authoritative, is confident in their pitch and has "proof" that other people did it, you will listen.

We hope that the person is right. We hope it's as easy as they say. But we really know it's not.

What we aren't immediately aware of is the behaviour costs that's associated with anything we do.

When you sign up for a gym membership are you really aware that you have to make time to get to the gym and back. Get that sitter in place.

That you have to prepare for muscle soreness and the initial tiredness spell for the first few weeks.

If you go on a caloric deficit, are you prepared for the headaches, the withdrawals, the cravings. The time it takes to prepare food. Cuts to your fun-spending so you can buy quality food.

Last year, during the Spartan Race, most of us didn't realize what we were in for. That to do it well, you have to train hills, hills and more hills on top of really weird strength training exercises.

You don't know what you don't know... until you do.

So it doesn't matter if you're just getting back to exercise or if you can do 10-20 push-ups, 5 pull-ups and know you should be doing a Spartan Race.

The fact is you now know what you didn't know.

So the real question is, what you gonna do about it?


Fitness Instagram Star Breaks Internet By Making a Post About Someone Else

SANTA MONICA, CA - Fitness Instagram superstar Chesty Lane lost 500,000 followers yesterday after making a post be all about someone else.

Fellow fitness influencer, Brock Twolegs, picks up the scandal... "So I was scrolling through my 'gram. It was a usual day of colleagues posting shirtless meal prep videos and photos of themselves contemplating over a sunrise backdrop, by themselves, quoting themselves.

And then Chesty's post pops up with someone else in it! OMG my chin hit the floor. I mean, this person was clearly just a 5, maybe a 6 if Chesty had bothered to use a filter. And then there was some bullshit about blah blah struggles blah blah no time to exercise blah blah. How dare she spend all this time building up super-fans to then go and blow it all by talking about someone else!"

Chesty declined to comment for this story but, as of print, the incendiary post has been deleted and she was back with a new video promoting her 24-hour sexy belly slim down program, a spoken word essay on why sweat is simply your fat crying, and a reminder that cow dung spread on toast is 2018's new superfood.

Her follower count has steadily begun to rise.


Your mission, if you choose to accept it...

We recently caught the latest Mission: Impossible movie. Usually after five sequels there are diminishing returns as far as enjoyment and box office go.

However, this one was fantastic - maybe the best action movie of the past eight years. There were scenes where you couldn’t separate CGI from a human stunt. Definitely a film to see on the big screen.

Anyway, one of the recurring situations is that the hero, Tom Cruise, consistently sacrifices the fate of the world in order to save just one person. In this case he gives up plutonium BOMBs in exchange for his teammate’s life.

He can get the bombs later but he can’t get his buddy’s life back. Now we know this is just a film and it seems quite ridiculous to do something like that.

Or is it?

I think we do it all the time.

There are many instances, probably parenting comes to mind for most, where we give up or pause everything for the sake of someone else. It can be your career, health and fitness, and even your marriage. You'll get to it later.

But what if the opposite were true?

What if you worked just as hard on everything you were about to pause.

What if you can continue to get better in your career, keep working on your health and try and hold dearly onto your weekly date night?

How would that help in becoming a better parent/partner/human?

It probably seems like an impossible mission (🧐) to do all this.

However, the other theme of the movie is Tom Cruise’s battle with himself for acceptance (or rejection) of who he really is. Is it worth trying to relentlessly save the world at the cost of all his relationships?

So your mission, if you choose to accept it (really pushing the cheese button now), is to take a moment to think about what is normally worth sacrificing in the relentless pursuit of something else.

Then ask yourself what if the total opposite is really the way to go?

You keep working out while you start that new job. You work on your marriage even when a kid comes along.

What could that look like and how could it actually help you in that relentless pursuit of who you're meant to be?

Kevin & Victoria

P.S. We realize the hero’s name is Ethan Hunt and not Tom Cruise. But at a rate of 20 smug smiles per film, regardless of subject, can we just take every character he plays and call them Tom Cruise?

Anyone agree? No? Okay, we’ll grab our coat.