DANFORTH EAST, ON — Sources confirm that a woman fainted Thursday morning when her coach cheerfully asked everyone to “turn to your partner and introduce yourself.”
“I wasn’t ready for eye contact before 7 a.m.,” said local member Lisa M, strangling her water bottle and scanning for the nearest exit.
Witnesses report that the request caused a brief ripple of chaos across the class, as several participants froze mid-warmup, pretending to stretch in hopes of avoiding human interaction.
“Honestly, at the end of class it was pandemonium,” said one witness. “Everyone crawled out of the studio to avoid the high five, fighting to get out the door like it was the last crouton at a Caesar salad party.”
Gym officials say the woman returned to normal after a post-class coffee and that she has since agreed to participate in light partner work—so long as nobody says “icebreaker.”
“I actually thought it went really well,” said BOMB Fitness coach Sparkle Sarah, twirling her hair, unaware of the social carnage she had just caused. “I may introduce Rose Bud Thorn next.”
